I took this picture of me holding mom’s hand toward the end. I’m not sure why, other than it made me think of the 90 years that hand had been around. There was something beautiful about her hand, even though it was old, wrinkled, gnarled, and bent by the winds of a life fully lived. I was struck that 57 years ago that hand held me as a new born. It fed me, changed my diaper, clothed me, cleaned up after me, and protected me from the harshness of this world. As I grew older her hand reprimanded me, directed me, and comforted me when I was fearful of the dark. My mom wrung her hands over me, and put them together in a posture of prayer as she prayed fervently for God to keep me from destroying myself as a rebellious teenager. In more recent years she put those hands together daily to pray for my family, and for my ministry to rescue the hearts of men. I am sad that mom’s hands will no longer be here to hold mine, and to pray for me, and I have no regrets. Over the past several years my mom and I had many conversations about our relationship. She was willing to listen to me when I asked why she and my dad had done things, or said things, or didn't. She was willing to forgive and be forgiven. She didn't defend, or make up excuses, but rather, she listened and tried to understand my heart. I will always be grateful for that gift of honesty and grace.
The way my mom lived her life, and eventually passed from this life to her eternal place in God's Kingdom, gave all of her kids, grand kids, and great grand kids an amazing gift. Henri Nouwen wrote: “We don’t know how our lives will end, and that is a blessed ignorance. But there is an important question that we should consider; when our time to die comes, will we die in such a way that those we leave behind will not be devastated with grief or left with the feeling of guilt or shame.” ”How we leave others depends largely on how we prepare ourselves for death. When we are able to die w/ grateful hearts…grateful to God, our families, and our friends…our deaths can become sources of life for others.”
This quote from HN summarizes what I witnessed in my mom’s life.
• She was confident in her relationship with Jesus.
• She never complained…especially down the stretch.
• She never lost her sense of humor, and her quick wit.
• She was honest about what she believed, and where her doubting got the best of her.
• She treated others with respect. • She was a great listener.
• She was willing to forgive, and be forgiven.
• She always greeted people with a warm smile.
• I never heard her say anything mean or vindictive about anyone.
• She always kept on learning, willing to have God widen her bandwidth.
In the end she never wavered from her deep love for Jesus. She knew that the time was not up to her, but up to Abba. In one of the few moments in her final days that her eyes were open I said, “it doesn’t look like it will be long now mom; she said…"you don’t know, I could hang on for quite a while”. She also never lost her sense of humor, even when she was struggling to breath.
Her passing was peaceful…Holy Ground. As Nouwen said…mom’s death was, and will continue to be, a source of life to each one of us.
In the days right after mom's passing I heard many stories of how she continued to speak words of truth and exhortation to her family. What she said didn't vary much. She told each of us to "keep on walking with Jesus...it is the only way."
Her ability to trust that Jesus would catch her when the time came to “stretch out her arms and hands”, was the result of a life lived in intimacy with Jesus. Her life and death have been an example (and incredible gift) to all of us. Now we have the opportunity to live our lives in such a way, that in the end we too can have our death be a source of life to others.